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The Family Room by Michelle Martin

September 14, 2008

Who are you?

My children are nothing like me.

Neither one looks like me. Caroline is a young version of her grandmother — which is to say, a feminine version of her father. No one is sure who Frank looks like — both grandfathers have been nominated, nearly always with the caveat, “but where did he get that red in his hair?” Women have been known to stop us on the street to compliment Frank on his hair color, which always seems to confuse him a little bit.

The differences go far beyond looks. Caroline, bless her heart, has a beautiful singing voice, which seems to be another gift from her grandmother, who sings as she does housework when she is happy. Those who love me tell me, confidentially, that it would be better if I didn’t sing out loud.

Frank, on the other hand, isn’t big for his age, but he is strong and coordinated. He can hit a pitched baseball across our yard and across the street. For me, it’s a victory to hit the ball when Frank pitches it.

They’re different from one another as well. Caroline likes playing sports and being active, but she doesn’t really follow any teams or have any interest in spending time watching sports.

Even without cable, Frank seems to be able to find a game of some sort on TV every day of the week. And by the time he’s settled in, he’d developed a rooting interest.

Caroline can immerse herself for a book and only come up for air when someone interrupts her. If she’s not reading, she’s often drawing, sometimes her own comic books.

Frank likes to read, too, but only recently discovered the fun of chapter books — which tend to be fiction. But he really only likes realistic fiction; he has no taste for Harry Potter, with its flying broomsticks and magic wands.

It’s important for them to be themselves and different from one another, especially as they move through school. No one wants to be known only as so-and-so’s little brother, or that kid’s big sister.

This year, for the first time, both of them can sing in the school choir. Frank at first was hesitant, not wanting to step on his sister’s toes. Besides, he said, he’s a “sports guy, not a singing guy.”

But he likes to sing (we’ve heard “Go, Cubs, Go” thousands of times to prove it). So I told him there’s no reason he can’t do both, just like Caroline sings in the choir and plays basketball and this year, volleyball. It’s good for both of them to have a variety of activities.

When they were born, like all babies, they seemed like bundles of endless potential and mystery. Who could tell what gifts God had given them, what challenges they would face? At that stage, it seemed like it would be easy to guide them, to get them to do what I wanted them to do.

As they grew, it didn’t take long for them to show their personalities, to display their strengths and express strong preferences.

Some of them, they share with me. I like to read almost as much as Caroline, and I can easily while away a weekend afternoon with a baseball or football game on TV, with Frank.

Now, just as I learned not to use my own horizons to limit them, they have to learn not to limit themselves.

Martin is assistant editor of the Catholic New World. Contact her at [email protected].