‘Compassionate friend’ offers an ear and a hug

Norma Mullon’s son Gregory died when he was four years old, 36 years ago. Mullon, a school nurse with three surviving children, has taken that experience and used it to reach out to other people, coordinating a South Side chapter of Compassionate Friends, a non-sectarian support group for parents, grandparents and siblings of children who have died—at any age.

Mullon, a member of St. Ailbe Parish, started the South Side group after earning a master’s degree in pastoral studies from Loyola University, with an emphasis on grief.

She shared her story with staff writer Michelle Martin.



The Catholic New World: What was your experience with other people when your son died?

Norma Mullon: A lot of people said things that were very hurtful. I know they meant well, but what they said was painful. My son died in bed with me, right next to me. One mother said, “Oh, my daughter had a nosebleed last night, and if I wasn’t a good mother, she could have died from loss of blood.” That hurt, because it sounded as though my child died because I was not a good mother. Or “Well, at least he didn’t suffer,” or “You can have another one.”

That happened to my husband too. They said those things to him, too. ...



TCNW: Why do thoughtless comments hurt so much?

NM: You’re already feeling so terrible, and guilt is a big thing. You always think, maybe if I hadn’t done this, or if I had done the other, it wouldn’t have happened. I have found with talking with other people that they experience guilt. They think, “If I hadn’t let him go ...” or “I shouldn’t have let him ride his bike. ...” With me, it’s “If I had taken him to the doctor instead of just talking to the doctor on the phone. ...”

They are things you can’t predict, but as a parent, you think you should always protect your child and nothing should hurt them because you are the protector. It’s difficult when you feel that you’ve failed in that role.



TCNW: How did you cope?

NM: What helped me a lot was the fact that I had three other children, so I had to get up and go. At that time I didn’t realizes that we should have done more with them. When they were older, a lot of things surfaced. When my youngest son graduated from college, we were having a wonderful time, and then suddenly we started talking about Gregory. Everybody started crying, and then I found out that my oldest son thought it was his fault.

The children should always be involved. They should be able to talk about the sibling that they lost. Children are often called the forgotten mourners, because when people come to support the parents, and no one comes for them.



TCNW: How can people help?

NM: A lot of people think that when your child dies, you don’t want to hear his name or her name, but actually you do. You want to know that he or she is not forgotten, that they live on your memories. Especially if you have a good memory of the child, and you can mention that to the parents or grandparents, it’s helpful. They might cry, but that’s OK. It’s good. It’s a good crying.

What you don’t want to say is “At least he’s in a better place. At least he didn’t suffer. God wouldn’t give this painful thing to you if you weren’t a good person.” All those things are very hurtful.

The best things to do are just to hug a person or to say I’m sorry if you don’t have a good memory to share. Everybody that I’ve talked to wants to know that their child lives on and they’re not totally forgotten.



TCNW: What made you start to reach out to other people?

NM: When you lose a child, and you hear someone else has lost a child, you know how painful it is, and you feel like sending a card is not enough. A lot of times people will say, “If you need me, call me.” You’re never going to make that call. If they want to help, they need to come and be there to sit with you. Sometimes someone will want to bring you in the child’s room and show you all their trophies or whatever they had, and that’s a ritual that helps them get through it. Your presence is very important when someone loses a child or grandchild.



TCNW: How did you faith inspire to reach out?

NM: We had three women who lost children at St. Ailbe’s around the same time, and I felt I had to be there for them. One of them was one of the lay ministers, and she was really having a terrible time, and I used to go talk to her. She said to me, “Norma, you’re really good at this. You should do this.” So I went to talk to Father John (Breslin) and I told him I would like to work with these people, He said he thought I should go to Loyola, so I went to Loyola.

I was 66 when I graduated in 2002. I was planning to retire last year, and I was talked into staying one more year, so I will retire in June. I don’t know where I will go with this.

What I do is I talk to people. I talked to a woman on Mother’s Day. She lost a handicapped son, and she is having a hard time, so she called me.



TCNW: What do you get out of doing this?

NM: I feel so much better when I’ve talked to these people, and they sound so much better when I finish talking to them . It’s very gratifying to help someone in a very difficult time. Some people have to take medication because they can’t handle it, and you tell them it’s OK if they have to take medication. Some people just want to die—if their child died, they want to die too. You have to be careful—if someone is telling how they are going to do it you know they need to be hospitalized.



TCNW: Where would you like to go from here?

NM: I’m particularly interested in trying to get a support group in the Spanish-speaking community. We have had several people ask if we have people who speak Spanish.

I’d like to see every church have a grief support group, and not just a general one. You need one for widows, because the issues are different, and one for parents and grandparents who have lost a child.

When you’ve lost your parents, you’ve lost the past. There’s no one anymore who calls you child. But when you lose a spouse, you lose your present. When you lose a child, you’ve lost the future and all your hopes.



TCNW: Does that include unborn children as well?

NM: We’ve had a lot of young women come in who have had a baby that was stillborn, or maybe they didn’t carry it to term and they miscarried. A lot of people don’t understand how painful that is. Maybe the baby wasn’t really born yet, but they still had hopes and dreams for it, and those are gone. It takes time, and they need support.

It’s a very difficult time whether your child miscarried or whether your child was still born or whether your child was 5 or whether your child was 35. Age doesn’t matter. Anybody you’ve loved and lost, it’s very painful.

I don’t know why. Maybe a lot of people have lost children, and they don’t feel the need to do this. I thought, if I can help, why not?



TCNW: Is this a way that you honor your son’s memory?

NM: That too, yes. If it wasn’t for hum, I wouldn’t be doing this. If that had never happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to. When you lose a child, when you finally get through it, I think it makes you stronger, but it’s a terrible way to get stronger.

Someone was talking about Compassionate Friends, and they said, “Anyone is welcome, but the dues are very high.”



TCNW: What do you tell people who call you?

NM: This is something that nobody can do for you. You have to go through it. It’s a normal thing: when you’ve loved and lost, you mourn. It’s natural. I should have brought tissue in here.

A lot of people think that in a year it’s all over. Some people call me and it’s been five years and they’re having a difficult time. Some people say the second and third years are the worst, because they are far enough along in their grief to realize that it’s real. It’s not a bad dream, and it’s forever.

People have grief bursts. Anything—somebody might turn their head the way their child did, or they might walk the same way, or their voice might sound similar—and they’ll start to cry. Crying is good. It helps.

Sometimes people have regrets because someone told them to get rid of everything, and that’s not what you wanted to do.

There’s a very high divorce rate among couples who have lost a child, because it’s a very difficulty time. You’re supposed to support one another, but when both of you are down, you can’t offer support. Somebody might not think their spouse is grieving, but they’re grieving in their own way. We’ve had husbands and wives come together. When they hear this, they are able to understand each other better.



The Southside Chapter of The Compassionate Friends meets at 7 p.m. the third Tuesday of every month at Wyatt Community Center, 8950 S. Stony Island Ave. For information, call Mullon at (773) 721-7810. Other Chicago-area chapters meet at St. Edward Parish, Little Company of Mary Hospital and in Richton Park. Call the national office at (877) 969-0010 for information.

> Catholic New World ARCHIVES