By Chris Spoons
Staff Writer

One Sunday morning in July, Mary was back in her parish choir playing the flute, just as she had before she moved away a few months earlier. Getting back to her family, her home, her parish, however, was a harrowing journey.

“I escaped my husband,” said Mary, whose name has been changed to protect her identity. She explained how she left work early one afternoon, packed a few belongings and hid out in a hotel with a family member, all in an attempt to leave her emotionally abusive spouse.

Mary decided to talk about her experience to help people recognize such abuse for what it is—a form of domestic violence.

In 1998 Mary had renewed a relationship with a friend she used to know. She said things moved quickly and, “within a year I found myself with someone I didn’t really know, engaged to be married,” she said.

Soon after the engagement, Mary began to notice problems. “He was very patronizing and condescending,” she said. “He started treating me like a little girl.” Then he became argumentative. “You never knew where you stood with him. He would deconstruct conversations and very carefully pick apart my mind.”

After the wedding, the couples lived with her parents to save money. She said he did not have a job and would sit in front of the computer and play violent games, sometimes for 14 hours.

Mary learned that there were “rules” to her marriage. “I was never allowed to wear a skirt above the knees,” she said. “I also couldn’t talk to other men, even in a class I was taking. I couldn’t go swimming because that would require a swimsuit, which was not allowed. I wasn’t supposed to wear makeup, not even at home.”

Mary said her husband would have angry outbursts in front of the family. “It was very embarrassing. After a blowup I would usually chase after him. I usually drove around with him because he would yell and I didn’t want my parents to hear it.”

Distressed, Mary quickly agreed when her husband had an opportunity to move out of state for a job. “I thought I would have a better chance at ending things if he was out of my parents’ house,” she said.

But out of state, problems became worse. “My husband wouldn’t let me spend time with my family,” Mary said. “My mother came for a visit, but he would always find a way to pull me away from her.”

During that visit, Mary decided she had had enough. That afternoon, Mary left work early. She and her mother gathered a few things and drove to a hotel. “We hid for a few days because I was afraid he would try to find us,” Mary said. “My husband told other family members that he had called the police on my mother and reported a kidnapping. I was also afraid the police would come after us and tell him where we were.”

Most people think of domestic violence only as something physical. “Just because someone isn’t hit does not mean they weren’t abused,” said Judge Dan Welter, associate judge with the Fifth Circuit Court, and also a deacon for the Archdiocese of Chicago. “When you tell someone they are worthless or stupid, what does that do to them? You are denigrating God’s child.”

“We need to raise awareness about domestic violence and call it what it is—a sin,” Welter said. The U.S. bishops agree. In their statement “When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women,” the bishops say “Violence in any form—physical, sexual, psychological, or verbal—is sinful; many times, it is a crime as well.”

“It is enlightening as both a judge and a deacon to deal with domestic violence cases,” Welter said. “As ministers, we don’t address this very well because we are uncertain of our skills in this area. What you don’t know you ignore.”

Welter said 23 percent of families, almost one in four, are affected by domestic violence. “Look how many families are affected in a parish of 900, and we aren’t preaching about it? The problem doesn’t just go away. It escalates in severity and the frequency increases.”

“The problem is you get addicted to it,” said Carlos, a man who has has been in counseling for nearly a year for violent behavior toward his wife and daughter. “It’s like a drug. It’s an adrenaline. Once you do it, you want to do it more.”

Carlos says counseling has made him confront his behavior. “I was very angry about it at first,” he said. “I didn’t like what I saw.” Carlos says he is now working to better manage his anger.

“Unfortunately, we do need to address the subject of domestic violence because we’ve seen people killed,” said Dominican Father Brendan Curran, associate pastor at St. Pius V in Chicago, whose parish has a domestic violence program with counselors on staff.

“It’s considered to be a taboo talk about this at Mass, but God, this is what people are going home to. We can’t fool around with whether people can handle hearing about it because it needs to be addressed.”

“The courts are a lousy place to try to resolve this kind of problem, but faith communities in general can be key,” Welter said. Jeri Linas, assistant director of the Mayor’s Office on Domestic Violence agrees. “Most people never call the police,” she said. “They go to friends, family, and their faith community.”

“Knowing how to respond to a victim is important,” Welter said. “If a priest doesn’t know how to respond in the first 30 seconds after someone says ‘Father, do you have a second?’ the person may give up.”

“Faith communities are powerful whether they like it or not,” Linas said. “We work with them to let them know that their response has to be an educated one. The way you respond can determine whether a woman lives or dies.”

“People need to hear ‘I believe you, it’s not your fault, you don’t have to take this.’ Those are powerful words coming from male clergy,” Welter said.

“One simple thing all parishes can do is publish the number for the City of Chicago’s Domestic Violence Help Line in every bulletin,” Curran said.

The help line covers services in Cook, Lake, Will, DuPage, and Kane counties. Assistance is available 24 hours a day in English and Spanish. The help line also has the AT&T language bank available for a total of 147 languages. “All calls are anonymous,” Linas said. “We only ask for the ZIP code so we can refer the caller to resources in their community.”

The help line is for anyone involved in a domestic violence situation. Resources are available for victims as well as abusers. The number is 1-877-TO END DV (1-877-863-6338).